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Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Fuck appropriateness.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You can't motorboat a personality
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
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