You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You blew him?!?!
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My ass is underappreciated
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
so much tequila, so little girl.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
3 2 1 whiskey
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My vagina is officially offended.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental