Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
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