She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
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i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
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