"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
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