The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Send us your Text From Last Night!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
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