I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.