I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
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