Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Send us your Text From Last Night!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
whose parrot is this?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
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