I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
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