Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Loading more great texts...