He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
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