Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
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