From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
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