A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
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