If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
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