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Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard (323): Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays? (978): Sure lol what's that? (323): Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine. (978): Why? (323): Because I'm gonna open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder, over sideways and under on a magic carpet ride. http://tfl.nu/1bfv
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm just crazy horny about you
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
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