I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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