Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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