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Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You dont lie about slip and slides
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i think my tv is drunk
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
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