On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
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