I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
