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Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
are you so shy because you have an std?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If that was your dad, he is hot
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
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