I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
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