I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We are two peas in an std pod
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
cat food counts as protein by the way
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
this will be a night to untag.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
a search helicopter?!
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i came on her dog
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.