I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
