the condom got lost in my hair
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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