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Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I will pee on everything he values.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This baby is an asshole
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
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