I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
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