Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
porn star boner night. come get it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You drinking a lot?
Define a lot
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked