It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
