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We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
foreskin is a definite game changer
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i think my tv is drunk
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Quick, to the slutcave!
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
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