The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he fucked my hip out of place.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
a search helicopter?!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"