I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
