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My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
where am i from again
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Quick, to the slutcave!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You're so nebulous sometimes
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
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