life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
