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and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Fuck appropriateness.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I puked a lego.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
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