So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
