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Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
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