His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
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