I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
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