We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
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