I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You coming home soon, man?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hippo gnu deer
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She's the barista slut.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
it's like heaven, but drunker
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.