Texts From Last Night

lynzlulu013's Favorites Texts:

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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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  (215): the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead. http://tfl.nu/na4w
  Replies (6) Good night (2934) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions

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  (609): Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles? (1-609): In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions http://tfl.nu/67pw
  Replies (2) Good night (1496) Bad night (228)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.

  (940): View more from Texas

  Deal.

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  (281): Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass. (940): Deal. http://tfl.nu/ji2y
  Replies (14) Good night (2471) Bad night (313)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?

  (312): View more from Illinois

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (847): Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over? (312): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/ubhn
  Replies (18) Good night (4088) Bad night (881)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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  (701): He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success. http://tfl.nu/xbmk
  Replies (12) Good night (4123) Bad night (336)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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  (508): This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies." (401): I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are. http://tfl.nu/26v4
  Replies (17) Good night (4492) Bad night (468)
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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  (339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys. http://tfl.nu/p4yk
  Replies (20) Good night (5515) Bad night (373)
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
  Replies (27) Good night (6395) Bad night (484)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.

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  (317): The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today. http://tfl.nu/2j3f
  Replies (9) Good night (2184) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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  (847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh
  Replies (15) Good night (3919) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.

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  (440): i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it. http://tfl.nu/zxnq
  Replies (2) Good night (1267) Bad night (321) Order T-Shirt
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  (626): View more from California

  Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...

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  (626): Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything... http://tfl.nu/rago
  Replies (19) Good night (2541) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on

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  (913): So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on http://tfl.nu/dyrr
  Replies (3) Good night (2101) Bad night (877) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"

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  (604): Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer," http://tfl.nu/po39
  Replies (6) Good night (2410) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Why didn't I see you last night!?

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

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  (203): Why didn't I see you last night!? (1-203): We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you. http://tfl.nu/iqgq
  Replies (6) Good night (4796) Bad night (406) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!

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  (310): Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type! http://tfl.nu/avo3
  Replies (7) Good night (2251) Bad night (364) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him

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  (202): when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him http://tfl.nu/8eei
  Replies (7) Good night (2037) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.

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  (713): I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me. http://tfl.nu/01pr
  Replies (6) Good night (1049) Bad night (471) Order T-Shirt
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

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  (606): how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked. http://tfl.nu/j1kr
  Replies (20) Good night (931) Bad night (4460) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.

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  (469): Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate. http://tfl.nu/3qld
  Replies (15) Good night (6503) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.

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  (210): My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night. http://tfl.nu/m0j2
  Replies (61) Good night (2885) Bad night (1030) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Who haven't you slept with?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  No one comes to mind.

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  (202): Who haven't you slept with? (703): No one comes to mind. http://tfl.nu/pw54
  Replies (7) Good night (1020) Bad night (358)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick

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  (757): apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick http://tfl.nu/awtp
  Replies (16) Good night (2672) Bad night (508) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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  (917): Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us. http://tfl.nu/44xm
  Replies (12) Good night (5329) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.

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  (505): Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before. http://tfl.nu/42ka
  Replies (93) Good night (5355) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask

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  (647): I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask http://tfl.nu/g6ag
  Replies (10) Good night (1258) Bad night (2617) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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  (248): my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you' http://tfl.nu/ael6
  Replies (25) Good night (2409) Bad night (5292) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  That was long passed due.

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  (414): I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol" (262): That was long passed due. http://tfl.nu/6bqu
  Replies (36) Good night (4789) Bad night (738)
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  (925): View more from California

  don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

  (510): View more from California

  big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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  (925): don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement (510): big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault. http://tfl.nu/lnx0
  Replies (11) Good night (6106) Bad night (769)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.

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  (651): She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations. http://tfl.nu/80vt
  Replies (8) Good night (3040) Bad night (534)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted

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  (734): I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted http://tfl.nu/844p
  Replies (25) Good night (5095) Bad night (1015) Order T-Shirt
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  we have officially mastered the walk of shame

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  (857): we have officially mastered the walk of shame http://tfl.nu/pg06
  Replies (11) Good night (3294) Bad night (599) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i can't wait to go to hell

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure

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  (248): i can't wait to go to hell (1-248): yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure http://tfl.nu/7pwb
  Replies (2) Good night (1155) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.

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  (443): I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings. http://tfl.nu/mygm
  Replies (6) Good night (1420) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV

  (802): View more from Vermont

  you're the only one i would trust to do that

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  (315): i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV (802): you're the only one i would trust to do that http://tfl.nu/yrsp
  Replies (8) Good night (2220) Bad night (545)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober

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  (440): uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober http://tfl.nu/fk8a
  Replies (3) Good night (3440) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused

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  (402): the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused http://tfl.nu/z0he
  Replies (7) Good night (2675) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.

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  (337): After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested. http://tfl.nu/exbc
  Replies (7) Good night (1986) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar

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  (330): I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar http://tfl.nu/rbaw
  Replies (9) Good night (2329) Bad night (473)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...

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  (705): I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender... http://tfl.nu/gykh
  Replies (25) Good night (2121) Bad night (699)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell

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  (870): He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell http://tfl.nu/ywhk
  Replies (8) Good night (448) Bad night (2362) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.

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  (909): He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere. http://tfl.nu/wyhi
  Replies (4) Good night (2740) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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  (401): Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one. http://tfl.nu/yysi
  Replies (4) Good night (3801) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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  (973): I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night? http://tfl.nu/cbpu
  Replies (8) Good night (6245) Bad night (550)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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  (+44): Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism. http://tfl.nu/zz0f
  Replies (13) Good night (3939) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.

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  (408): We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices. http://tfl.nu/tes7
  Replies (5) Good night (2156) Bad night (851) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.

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  (480): We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her. http://tfl.nu/hua5
  Replies (5) Good night (2426) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.

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  (352): One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday. http://tfl.nu/0mor
  Replies (8) Good night (2312) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

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  (781): She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug. http://tfl.nu/2oj9
  Replies (10) Good night (2340) Bad night (1126) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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  (262): i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching. (715): okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference. http://tfl.nu/rrjb
  Replies (11) Good night (3731) Bad night (622)
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  (310): View more from California

  My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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  (310): My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope... http://tfl.nu/89fe
  Replies (10) Good night (2620) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  im getting coffee to go get coffee.

  (435): View more from Utah

  Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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  (801): im getting coffee to go get coffee. (435): Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level. http://tfl.nu/l6zn
  Replies (2) Good night (3044) Bad night (606)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.

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  (202): Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands. http://tfl.nu/c22a
  Replies (4) Good night (2262) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I had to brake up with him.

  (602): View more from Arizona

  In my experience drinking helps.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You dont want to know why?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Not really. I want to drink.

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  (480): I had to brake up with him. (602): In my experience drinking helps. (480): You dont want to know why? (602): Not really. I want to drink. http://tfl.nu/mwqo
  Replies (27) Good night (4175) Bad night (632)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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  (978): He's almost as awesome as vicodin. (513): Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you http://tfl.nu/u3r1
  Replies (8) Good night (2183) Bad night (443)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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  (484): so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey. http://tfl.nu/h1y9
  Replies (7) Good night (3019) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

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  (908): The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one. http://tfl.nu/8bgn
  Replies (3) Good night (2727) Bad night (703) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.

  (1-419): View more from Ohio

  it's a Wednesday?

  (419): View more from Ohio

  :)

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  (419): I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone. (1-419): it's a Wednesday? (419): :) http://tfl.nu/grqr
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  (661): View more from California

  1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

  (1-661): View more from California

  1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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  (661): 1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place. (1-661): 1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up http://tfl.nu/wu9m
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl

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  (703): I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl http://tfl.nu/f1pk
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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  (270): The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard". http://tfl.nu/w1c8
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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  (828): Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me. http://tfl.nu/wdvy
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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  (815): you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night. http://tfl.nu/m1vr
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day

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  (303): I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day http://tfl.nu/oxlv
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  (940): View more from Texas

  You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.

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  (940): You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata. http://tfl.nu/mqsn
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?

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  (203): So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu. (603): You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use? http://tfl.nu/ks5w
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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  (815): my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves http://tfl.nu/kwdc
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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  (303): We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is. http://tfl.nu/mbfy
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

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  (902): New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever . http://tfl.nu/6kwm
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  (310): View more from California

  She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

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  (310): She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me http://tfl.nu/yht9
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  (727): View more from Florida

  when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

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  (727): when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test. http://tfl.nu/l54a
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  (805): View more from California

  there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you

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  (805): there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you http://tfl.nu/cq33
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

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  (479): You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money. http://tfl.nu/ged1
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

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  (214): My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you http://tfl.nu/i385
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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  (519): I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it. http://tfl.nu/dyf5
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  (818): View more from California

  Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.

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  (818): Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in. http://tfl.nu/o2x8
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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  (517): I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed. http://tfl.nu/94v6
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  (650): View more from California

  Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp

  (1-650): View more from California

  i loe djcudia fjxos rue.

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  (650): Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp (1-650): i loe djcudia fjxos rue. http://tfl.nu/pfpy
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

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  (513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real. http://tfl.nu/3nu3
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  (239): View more from Florida

  so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.

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  (239): so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are. http://tfl.nu/bpgx
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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  (630): We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas. http://tfl.nu/1h9b
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I just googled if crying burns calories

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  (416): I just googled if crying burns calories http://tfl.nu/qfsf
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  (650): View more from California

  party gras won. party gras always wins.

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  (650): party gras won. party gras always wins. http://tfl.nu/yzh5
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.

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  (913): Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move. http://tfl.nu/e9ea
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister

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  (973): I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister http://tfl.nu/i2jt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

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  (978): Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you. http://tfl.nu/jevr
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.

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  (302): He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was. http://tfl.nu/ureg
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale

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  (337): There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale http://tfl.nu/27tf
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong

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  (203): i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong http://tfl.nu/c7ef
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.

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  (780): We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150. http://tfl.nu/ontt
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  (415): View more from California

  sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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  (415): sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you. http://tfl.nu/c5wc
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

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  (515): She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself. http://tfl.nu/imt6
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

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  (205): just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed. http://tfl.nu/2764
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

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  (407): i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume. http://tfl.nu/l5xu
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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  (913): i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire. http://tfl.nu/gd8k
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.

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  (216): In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case. http://tfl.nu/3se1
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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  (989): no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed". http://tfl.nu/dmqo
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  (360): View more from Washington

  kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.

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  (360): kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight. http://tfl.nu/tvlr
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

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  (404): you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is http://tfl.nu/bwe9
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  (650): View more from California

  You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.

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  (650): You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him. http://tfl.nu/2plm
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.

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  (281): I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home. http://tfl.nu/pc90
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.

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  (321): Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked. http://tfl.nu/cr3f
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  (925): View more from California

  you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race

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  (925): you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race http://tfl.nu/3da3
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  (305): View more from Florida

  The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

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  (305): The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever http://tfl.nu/qxjf
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people

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  (231): the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people http://tfl.nu/9os5
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience

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  (801): I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience http://tfl.nu/nrax
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it

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  (719): dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it http://tfl.nu/atpp
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew

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  (727): Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew http://tfl.nu/e4qx
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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  (913): You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals. http://tfl.nu/ise6
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.

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  (203): I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards. http://tfl.nu/12q7
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

  (219): View more from Indiana

  I need you to use more vowels.

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  (812): gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar (219): I need you to use more vowels. http://tfl.nu/cjfw
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land

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  (508): whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land http://tfl.nu/kude
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.

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  (401): We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/48jv
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.

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  (804): Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster. http://tfl.nu/ns19
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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  (+44): We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this. http://tfl.nu/pfxy
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  (212): View more from New York

  You feel like going out tonight?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle

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  (212): You feel like going out tonight? (1-212): Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle http://tfl.nu/d3o1
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

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  (508): dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day http://tfl.nu/82u7
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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  (425): It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down. http://tfl.nu/xg1z
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  (214): View more from Texas

  What do you think it is?

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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  (214): What do you think it is? (615): It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow. http://tfl.nu/3ng4
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  (954): View more from Florida

  STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

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  (954): STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA http://tfl.nu/oiv6
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

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  (613): Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big. http://tfl.nu/u6h6
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  (310): View more from California

  We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.

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  (310): We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened. http://tfl.nu/spf0
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.

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  (253): I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight. http://tfl.nu/4pnr
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

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  (307): If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them http://tfl.nu/vjhk
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  (207): View more from Maine

  My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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  (207): My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad. http://tfl.nu/6faf
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?

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  (307): How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots? http://tfl.nu/gvsx
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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  (404): Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy. http://tfl.nu/vwp7
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too

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  (402): He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too http://tfl.nu/2c7f
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  (206): View more from Washington

  he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...

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  (206): he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker... http://tfl.nu/z1il
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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  (412): he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with. http://tfl.nu/jmfl
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE

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  (480): I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE http://tfl.nu/wmq4
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

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  (248): Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police. http://tfl.nu/zopt
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  (310): View more from California

  so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.

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  (310): so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood. http://tfl.nu/y4bu
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.

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  (231): Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here. http://tfl.nu/i6i2
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  (818): View more from California

  The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

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  (818): The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again. http://tfl.nu/z8ef
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?

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  (847): Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night? http://tfl.nu/owky
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?

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  (701): Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it? http://tfl.nu/2zni
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  (954): View more from Florida

  FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.

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  (954): FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today. http://tfl.nu/1con
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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  (240): i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark. http://tfl.nu/ophf
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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  (306): I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes' http://tfl.nu/oxkp
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  (209): View more from California

  you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

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  (209): you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom... http://tfl.nu/nw55
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"

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  (440): Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little" http://tfl.nu/17w7
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  (214): View more from Texas

  i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  oh fuck your right

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  (214): i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can. (1-214): oh fuck your right http://tfl.nu/6rmf
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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  (724): Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks. http://tfl.nu/a8rg
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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  (912): He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it. http://tfl.nu/csjq
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  (315): View more from New York

  You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.

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  (315): You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you. http://tfl.nu/rrga
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  (716): View more from New York

  He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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  (716): He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies. http://tfl.nu/v70e
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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  (401): We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast. (1-401): And you thought you were going to hell last weekend. http://tfl.nu/thro
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  (805): View more from California

  My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes

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  (805): My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes http://tfl.nu/ouc0
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  (805): View more from California

  omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now

  (1-805): View more from California

  he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls

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  (805): omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now (1-805): he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls http://tfl.nu/00r7
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  she fell through a window trying to flash someone

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  (708): she fell through a window trying to flash someone http://tfl.nu/c9dp
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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  (360): Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY. http://tfl.nu/nqby
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  (406): View more from Montana

  We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.

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  (406): We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class. http://tfl.nu/2kxo
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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  (+44): I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life. http://tfl.nu/bbi7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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  (617): She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her. http://tfl.nu/sdzd
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.

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  (203): I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me. http://tfl.nu/grro
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan

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  (404): I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan http://tfl.nu/xldl
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.

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  (860): He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days. http://tfl.nu/v2o4
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.

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  (815): If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up. http://tfl.nu/63pe
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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  (734): We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing." http://tfl.nu/cqut
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration

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  (313): Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration http://tfl.nu/0qdd
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.

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  (214): Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again. http://tfl.nu/14ik
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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  (610): So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed http://tfl.nu/2fhq
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.

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  (734): He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine. http://tfl.nu/5uk3
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton

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  (860): I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton http://tfl.nu/cmqr
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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  (269): Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus. http://tfl.nu/d22v
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  (408): View more from California

  My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.

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  (408): My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me. http://tfl.nu/7zz8
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked

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  (774): just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked http://tfl.nu/dcyr
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  we need ur ladder

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  (612): He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume (612): we need ur ladder http://tfl.nu/n9qh
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.

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  (810): You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight. http://tfl.nu/18uj
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  (281): View more from Texas

  It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.

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  (281): It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly. http://tfl.nu/y0mx
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis

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  (608): It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis http://tfl.nu/80nu
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

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  (201): Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied. http://tfl.nu/g4t4
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?

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  (774): there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours? http://tfl.nu/8xmr
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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  (573): I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use." http://tfl.nu/1qa0
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.

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  (217): haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it. http://tfl.nu/2m8n
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  (858): View more from California

  Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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  (858): Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts http://tfl.nu/npv2
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  (206): View more from Washington

  ..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"

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  (206): ..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance" http://tfl.nu/51ez
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  (510): View more from California

  Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.

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  (510): Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on. http://tfl.nu/jv7t
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  (858): View more from California

  i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him

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  (858): i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him http://tfl.nu/fwf2
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  (949): View more from California

  I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.

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  (949): I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay. http://tfl.nu/h3ep
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  (425): View more from Washington

  He could be your dad!

  (206): View more from Washington

  We discussed that right before he asked for my number

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  (425): He could be your dad! (206): We discussed that right before he asked for my number http://tfl.nu/jztz
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  (619): View more from California

  dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face

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  (619): dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face http://tfl.nu/4ulx
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  (909): View more from California

  Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.

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  (909): Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle. http://tfl.nu/fgdn
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

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  (401): Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible. http://tfl.nu/g0k8
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.

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  (734): I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it. http://tfl.nu/ex81
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?

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  (814): Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects? http://tfl.nu/389h
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.

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  (205): She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school. http://tfl.nu/upz2
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  (916): View more from California

  You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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  (916): You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest. http://tfl.nu/46jw
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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  (517): Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever. http://tfl.nu/fx8m
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK

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  (570): She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK http://tfl.nu/qbz7
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  when I sang my humps to you I meant it.

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  (419): when I sang my humps to you I meant it. http://tfl.nu/9lvg
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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  (503): The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck http://tfl.nu/nvzw
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on

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  (814): I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on http://tfl.nu/jkd3
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much

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  (828): I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much http://tfl.nu/wzca
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

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  (231): I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic. http://tfl.nu/t71g
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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  (843): when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home. http://tfl.nu/096s
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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  (417): I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka (479): I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once http://tfl.nu/xq51
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.

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  (814): He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake. http://tfl.nu/fpto
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  (914): View more from New York

  I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

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  (914): I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list http://tfl.nu/bjw0
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  (512): View more from Texas

  When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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  (512): When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man http://tfl.nu/fxmb
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  (61): View more from Australia

  who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

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  (61): who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class http://tfl.nu/g4lj
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  (707): View more from California

  I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class

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  (707): I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class http://tfl.nu/fiu2
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.

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  (512): Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge. http://tfl.nu/qm3g
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes

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  (208): the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes http://tfl.nu/a563
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.

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  (614): Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce. http://tfl.nu/e1yj
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  (409): View more from Texas

  I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

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  (409): I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong http://tfl.nu/rbr5
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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  (724): Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them. http://tfl.nu/a4j7
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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  (775): I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex. http://tfl.nu/bvr1
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

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  (605): just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl? http://tfl.nu/v0ft
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  (239): View more from Florida

  you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.

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  (239): you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now. http://tfl.nu/uslm
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

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  (859): i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey http://tfl.nu/w11j
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"

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  (757): Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow" http://tfl.nu/vtnd
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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  (804): I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working... http://tfl.nu/tuy1
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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  (201): I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am http://tfl.nu/u8uu
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  (646): View more from New York

  I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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  (646): I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister. http://tfl.nu/fqyo
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.

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  (519): Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club. http://tfl.nu/af62
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  (+45): View more from Denmark

  You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?

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  (+45): You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right? http://tfl.nu/cwve
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(

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  (732): Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :( http://tfl.nu/fasb
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.

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  (810): That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head. (810): I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again. http://tfl.nu/3d2e
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  (805): View more from California

  He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.

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  (805): He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him. http://tfl.nu/fsan
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.

  (574): View more from Indiana

  Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

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  (574): So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap. (574): Side Note: My mute button doesn't work. http://tfl.nu/2spl
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  everybody makes mistakes

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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  (630): everybody makes mistakes (1-630): i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances http://tfl.nu/cihb
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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  (608): Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her. http://tfl.nu/6qpw
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I think that's fair trade off

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  (910): He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj (910): I think that's fair trade off http://tfl.nu/hrzk
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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  (204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I thought Christmas was going to come before I did

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  (219): I thought Christmas was going to come before I did http://tfl.nu/cili
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.

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  (+44): she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together. http://tfl.nu/1f9e
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

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  (303): I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all. http://tfl.nu/c3dm
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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  (260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

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  (705): You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this". http://tfl.nu/puns
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again

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  (740): There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again http://tfl.nu/gd8v
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  (936): View more from Texas

  he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

  (812): View more from Indiana

  and...?

  (936): View more from Texas

  I told him it was alright.

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  (936): he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him. (812): and...? (936): I told him it was alright. http://tfl.nu/yirn
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?

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  (252): Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot? http://tfl.nu/byc9
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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  (603): GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED (1-603): I feel like half our conversations start this way. http://tfl.nu/9770
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  (845): View more from New York

  what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?

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  (845): what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much? http://tfl.nu/y3h1
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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  (801): I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine. http://tfl.nu/flen
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.

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  (816): ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night. (314): I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it. http://tfl.nu/jfox
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice

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  (732): There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice http://tfl.nu/ufj4
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

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  (204): Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard? http://tfl.nu/3z7i
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings

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  (905): I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings http://tfl.nu/jatg
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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  (330): Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her? http://tfl.nu/1j07
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.

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  (443): I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand. http://tfl.nu/0bxb
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  (850): View more from Florida

  What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Her vagina devoured it.

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  (850): What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"? (1-850): Her vagina devoured it. http://tfl.nu/yu5p
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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  (734): It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free http://tfl.nu/3j31
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  (916): View more from California

  craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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  (916): craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in? http://tfl.nu/76bu
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  (818): View more from California

  He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.

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  (818): He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore. http://tfl.nu/r68q
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis

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  (720): I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis http://tfl.nu/ymdq
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  (510): View more from California

  I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.

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  (510): I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit. http://tfl.nu/1jo4
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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  (419): fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back. http://tfl.nu/wq3e
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  (559): View more from California

  I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper

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  (559): I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper http://tfl.nu/pzfa
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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  (703): okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar. (1-703): I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up? http://tfl.nu/a4zj
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Yes and so do I

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  (702): We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore? (1-702): Yes and so do I http://tfl.nu/4rgh
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.

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  (919): I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three. http://tfl.nu/4nlq
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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  (612): He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle http://tfl.nu/2q09
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  (315): View more from New York

  My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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  (315): My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best. http://tfl.nu/ofn0
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday

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  (850): Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday http://tfl.nu/xmv6
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  (850): View more from Florida

  So are we goin out tonight?

  (315): View more from New York

  Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...

  (850): View more from Florida

  And that was fun, wasn't it?

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  (850): So are we goin out tonight? (315): Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night... (850): And that was fun, wasn't it? http://tfl.nu/s8z3
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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  (401): Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life" http://tfl.nu/0dy4
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  (940): View more from Texas

  good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom

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  (940): good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom http://tfl.nu/suhd
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  All I've ever wanted to do in life is right

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Maybe you should learn how to spell write first

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  (313): All I've ever wanted to do in life is right (517): Maybe you should learn how to spell write first http://tfl.nu/4u4l
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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  (314): In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk. http://tfl.nu/6bmy
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, its January.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  We're going to do the voices too.

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  (970): We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots. (303): Dude, its January. (970): We're going to do the voices too. http://tfl.nu/k3gb
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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  (484): we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/y3gw
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  (518): View more from New York

  i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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  (518): i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock http://tfl.nu/9mlf
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.

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  (316): Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary. http://tfl.nu/cfqj
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.

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  (520): The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out. http://tfl.nu/jqhp
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.

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  (401): They should make Glad Forceflex condoms. http://tfl.nu/qnot
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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  (360): Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything. http://tfl.nu/kqmn
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  (310): View more from California

  Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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  (310): Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on? http://tfl.nu/pffh
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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  (816): and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore. http://tfl.nu/dnny
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.

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  (303): she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays. http://tfl.nu/t82v
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea

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  (310): I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea http://tfl.nu/towc
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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  (952): I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me. http://tfl.nu/xnge
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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  (937): Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate http://tfl.nu/e0yr
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  (305): View more from Florida

  woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...

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  (305): woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"... http://tfl.nu/ev8f
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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  (703): To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M." http://tfl.nu/juhx
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

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  (319): My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home. http://tfl.nu/nin0
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you

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  (541): you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you http://tfl.nu/5gma
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

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  (785): She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before... http://tfl.nu/n0in
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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  (902): I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence. http://tfl.nu/pvbz
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

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  (913): you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro. http://tfl.nu/rmdo
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.

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  (612): In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures. http://tfl.nu/oo7z
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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  (321): I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it. http://tfl.nu/0ggm
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?

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  (724): This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class? http://tfl.nu/x3em
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  (716): View more from New York

  That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.

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  (716): That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude. http://tfl.nu/2xpl
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.

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  (505): His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left. http://tfl.nu/dyjo
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.

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  (708): Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think. http://tfl.nu/wg4r
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.

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  (604): Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge. http://tfl.nu/yomn
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.

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  (630): Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight. http://tfl.nu/jrv5
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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  (636): i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend http://tfl.nu/jil2
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"

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  (423): She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride" http://tfl.nu/esrx
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

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  (575): My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him. http://tfl.nu/rbp8
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?

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  (304): what's not responsible about a pool full of beer? http://tfl.nu/7inf
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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  (219): ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference... http://tfl.nu/jx5w
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

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  (856): we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon" http://tfl.nu/pn3g
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  (914): View more from New York

  I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.

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  (914): I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired. http://tfl.nu/rh17
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.

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  (262): You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk. http://tfl.nu/u9t6
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.

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  (203): The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of. http://tfl.nu/765v
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.

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  (303): If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else. http://tfl.nu/1lnu
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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  (321): I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter. http://tfl.nu/jrqc
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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  (928): note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea http://tfl.nu/nwiv
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  (903): View more from Texas

  He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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  (903): He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well. http://tfl.nu/h56s
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.

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  (605): it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead. http://tfl.nu/wbpi
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets

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  (501): now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets http://tfl.nu/czok
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.

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  (267): Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup. http://tfl.nu/dysq
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.

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  (314): On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner. http://tfl.nu/glyx
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.

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  (727): You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that. http://tfl.nu/4x8y
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"

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  (206): I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?" http://tfl.nu/2uiv
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?

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  (602): Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again? http://tfl.nu/01x5
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'

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  (507): i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor' http://tfl.nu/w930
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.

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  (314): Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning. http://tfl.nu/u08e
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me

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  (617): She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me http://tfl.nu/0bof
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?

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  (361): Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home? http://tfl.nu/3vxh
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..

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  (708): He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam.. http://tfl.nu/opqs
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time

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  (570): she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time http://tfl.nu/kzmt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

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  (412): she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend http://tfl.nu/4xq5
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  (949): View more from California

  I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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  (949): I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people. http://tfl.nu/vbtd
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  (323): View more from California

  I'm being pulled over???

  (520): View more from Arizona

  For what!?!?!

  (323): View more from California

  ??? I'm in a cab!!!!!

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  (323): I'm being pulled over??? (520): For what!?!?! (323): ??? I'm in a cab!!!!! http://tfl.nu/d19c
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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  (770): At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it. http://tfl.nu/bg9a
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"

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  (402): Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails" http://tfl.nu/xka9
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

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  (330): Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home? http://tfl.nu/9062
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in

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  (773): She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in http://tfl.nu/bue7
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"

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  (717): He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested" http://tfl.nu/y825
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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  (208): She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs". http://tfl.nu/ppqp
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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  (201): He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?" http://tfl.nu/srbv
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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  (807): at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket. http://tfl.nu/odip
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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  (913): We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount! http://tfl.nu/fchz
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.

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  (443): I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face. http://tfl.nu/jlmy
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

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  (303): The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened http://tfl.nu/m273
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

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  (704): It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie. http://tfl.nu/rp9b
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.

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  (218): I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble. http://tfl.nu/uwsi
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  (310): View more from California

  He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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  (310): He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna http://tfl.nu/tldl
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  (972): View more from Texas

  The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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  (972): The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions http://tfl.nu/nm0a
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that

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  (904): I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that http://tfl.nu/s246
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt

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  (203): the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt http://tfl.nu/wx0v
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  It is literally 8 in the morning.

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  (402): NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!! (1-402): It is literally 8 in the morning. http://tfl.nu/koue
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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  (732): That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. http://tfl.nu/7vfy
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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  (703): Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him http://tfl.nu/ek6e
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.

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  (775): I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question. http://tfl.nu/abym
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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  (360): I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back. http://tfl.nu/kpg0
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell

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  (317): disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell http://tfl.nu/re5w
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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  (907): We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke. http://tfl.nu/z4fd
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night

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  (406): He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night http://tfl.nu/scut
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.

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  (978): She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent. http://tfl.nu/hcxv
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You coming home soon, man?

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  HENBARSCLOSE

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  (902): You coming home soon, man? (1-902): HENBARSCLOSE http://tfl.nu/z787
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  (206): View more from Washington

  No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.

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  (206): No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding. http://tfl.nu/7yg0
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted

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  (267): so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted http://tfl.nu/13lv
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  you want me

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i'd rather choke on a dick.

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  (773): you want me (978): i'd rather choke on a dick. http://tfl.nu/nrvz
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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  (919): I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months http://tfl.nu/8o8f
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys

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  (970): He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys http://tfl.nu/pzx8
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."

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  (605): Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great." http://tfl.nu/846x
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  (925): View more from California

  I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..

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  (925): I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand.. http://tfl.nu/3ekb
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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  (404): Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge. http://tfl.nu/3ppt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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  (480): im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk http://tfl.nu/jram
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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  (317): you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party... http://tfl.nu/sqle
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  (940): View more from Texas

  He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.

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  (940): He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter. http://tfl.nu/rjmj
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  (941): View more from Florida

  sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate

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  (941): sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate http://tfl.nu/n9pe
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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  (864): We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use. http://tfl.nu/kk0h
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.

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  (724): i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver. http://tfl.nu/mj0i
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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  (478): We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tea7
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  (972): View more from Texas

  you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.

  (214): View more from Texas

  round 2?

  (972): View more from Texas

  EVER.

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  (972): you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again. (214): round 2? (972): EVER. http://tfl.nu/6p06
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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  (732): I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked. http://tfl.nu/sxfw
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.

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  (276): Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you. http://tfl.nu/pes1
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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  (770): There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry. http://tfl.nu/klio
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  (207): View more from Maine

  you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

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  (207): you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom http://tfl.nu/am8n
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  (850): View more from Florida

  We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.

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  (850): We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival. http://tfl.nu/h8q9
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.

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  (519): you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner. http://tfl.nu/pwti
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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  (541): dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room http://tfl.nu/exa4
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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  (716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me. http://tfl.nu/61es
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.

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  (217): The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again. http://tfl.nu/eq2e
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.

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  (678): I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job. http://tfl.nu/y0of
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.

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  (713): Hope the move went well! I'll miss you! (832): you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there. http://tfl.nu/n7dn
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.

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  (317): How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that. http://tfl.nu/g1sy
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"

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  (401): No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out" http://tfl.nu/ac7g
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.

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  (503): we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food. http://tfl.nu/i6sw
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  (949): View more from California

  Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?

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  (949): Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it? http://tfl.nu/e2vj
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl

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  (250): i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl http://tfl.nu/d9d2
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.

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  (678): Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous. http://tfl.nu/26wz
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

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  (330): Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron. http://tfl.nu/yv9g
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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  (647): Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral. http://tfl.nu/3rm8
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"

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  (937): they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America" http://tfl.nu/sewn
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance

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  (905): something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance http://tfl.nu/l7ly
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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  (306): I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car. http://tfl.nu/2mw2
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  (716): View more from New York

  he got a rim job in the basement.

  (716): View more from New York

  apparently i was the one who gave it to him.

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  (716): he got a rim job in the basement. (716): apparently i was the one who gave it to him. http://tfl.nu/gzx7
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.

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  (864): I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened. http://tfl.nu/5edl
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave

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  (630): all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave http://tfl.nu/0ff9
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.

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  (843): Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here. http://tfl.nu/2yn8
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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  (314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college... http://tfl.nu/a15y
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.

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  (919): I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process. (1-919): Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop. http://tfl.nu/dsex
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

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  (843): Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW. http://tfl.nu/o3ak
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

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  (+44): I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving http://tfl.nu/jxug
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

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  (202): Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this. http://tfl.nu/0xw5
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

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  (215): Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober" http://tfl.nu/vzc2
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes

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  (706): He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes http://tfl.nu/an5y
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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  (705): The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?" http://tfl.nu/11uf
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.

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  (917): Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you. http://tfl.nu/j1py
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  (631): View more from New York

  I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed

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  (631): I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed http://tfl.nu/2zh5
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  (801): View more from Utah

  We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party

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  (801): We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party http://tfl.nu/w1ty
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important

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  (603): you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important http://tfl.nu/xvgc
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.

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  (712): Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ntux
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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  (503): He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off? http://tfl.nu/40hd
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  (941): View more from Florida

  well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.

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  (941): well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already. http://tfl.nu/vv0a
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.

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  (731): I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one. http://tfl.nu/nuy4
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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  (847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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  (256): she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy. http://tfl.nu/z1ta
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

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  (540): She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her. http://tfl.nu/1bms
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?

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  (616): what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame? http://tfl.nu/ixm6
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

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  (+44): i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now... http://tfl.nu/kqc9
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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  (228): thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God" http://tfl.nu/z3qu
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  (936): View more from Texas

  You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

  (254): View more from Texas

  Challenge accepted.

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  (936): You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home (254): Challenge accepted. http://tfl.nu/oaxm
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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  (773): Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight. http://tfl.nu/f50l
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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  (705): All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail. http://tfl.nu/tpxz
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  (925): View more from California

  I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.

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  (925): I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible. http://tfl.nu/f1y0
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok i said sorry. what else do you want?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  100 blowjobs

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  (216): ok i said sorry. what else do you want? (740): 100 blowjobs http://tfl.nu/an0u
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.

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  (850): I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life. (1-850): Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say. http://tfl.nu/wlmq
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  (408): View more from California

  hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

  (650): View more from California

  nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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  (408): hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;) (650): nah, i'm gonna grab some food http://tfl.nu/jz1a
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.

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  (614): It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead. http://tfl.nu/yvss
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.

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  (815): I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle. http://tfl.nu/ehxx
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  (845): View more from New York

  So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

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  (845): So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing http://tfl.nu/1y41
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  (979): View more from Texas

  I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...

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  (979): I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to... http://tfl.nu/okbj
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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  (317): Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call" http://tfl.nu/v8oa
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?

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  (203): If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him? http://tfl.nu/p8ua
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.

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  (512): Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise. http://tfl.nu/xhgo
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  (530): View more from California

  Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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  (530): Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober' http://tfl.nu/1n5d
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

  (917): View more from New York City

  what kind of party is this?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the best kind ever

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  (610): can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home? (917): what kind of party is this? (610): the best kind ever http://tfl.nu/ib1r
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  (207): View more from Maine

  reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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  (207): reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face http://tfl.nu/zdhw
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out

  (574): View more from Indiana

  You never cease to amaze me.

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  (614): Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out (574): You never cease to amaze me. http://tfl.nu/7cst
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  (914): View more from New York

  this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.

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  (914): this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute. http://tfl.nu/nd35
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.

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  (203): Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot. http://tfl.nu/4t9j
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

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  (905): i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself http://tfl.nu/s870
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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  (919): I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka http://tfl.nu/i4zm
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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  (704): I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying. http://tfl.nu/un4v
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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  (936): Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/amif
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

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  (612): Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now. http://tfl.nu/5ad5
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.

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  (865): It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14. http://tfl.nu/nc65
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about

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  (313): Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about http://tfl.nu/rnip
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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  (920): She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off. http://tfl.nu/r6m3
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  (646): View more from New York

  just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.

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  (646): just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice. http://tfl.nu/48r0
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  (713): View more from Texas

  This dude is being a total douche

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps

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  (713): This dude is being a total douche (832): Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps http://tfl.nu/sy46
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me

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  (605): mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me http://tfl.nu/m5ve
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.

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  (402): Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes. http://tfl.nu/823v
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  (850): View more from Florida

  if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him

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  (850): if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him http://tfl.nu/ohx4
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.

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  (401): I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard. http://tfl.nu/cjsq
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.

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  (480): Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start. http://tfl.nu/ri6j
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends

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  (662): this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here (601): on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends http://tfl.nu/r706
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.

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  (339): My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool. http://tfl.nu/q5rs
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

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  (208): Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas http://tfl.nu/3mqp
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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  (501): SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD. http://tfl.nu/21ls
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.

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  (308): Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning. http://tfl.nu/konb
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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  (720): the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis http://tfl.nu/41ot
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  (716): View more from New York

  He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."

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  (716): He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches." http://tfl.nu/amaz
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

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  (717): one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9" http://tfl.nu/v0g1
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.

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  (401): My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog. http://tfl.nu/x3j9
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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  (970): Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did. http://tfl.nu/3qcv
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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  (614): i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better. http://tfl.nu/octl
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.

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  (605): and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month. http://tfl.nu/xuv1
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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  (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar. http://tfl.nu/fw94
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?

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  (859): How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom? http://tfl.nu/dl3d
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday

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  (513): apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday http://tfl.nu/t1la
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.

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  (573): Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties. http://tfl.nu/z2k6
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.

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  (574): Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends. http://tfl.nu/hd8a
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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  (480): How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night? http://tfl.nu/kz3y
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

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  (781): I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on. http://tfl.nu/begu
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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  (360): Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why. http://tfl.nu/20py
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

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  (617): They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka http://tfl.nu/47bx
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."

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  (267): Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too." http://tfl.nu/ac9x
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  (425): View more from Washington

  the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power

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  (425): the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power http://tfl.nu/ghbk
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
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  (253): View more from Washington

  thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.

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  (253): thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever. http://tfl.nu/km2f
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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  (203): Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast. http://tfl.nu/5wgc
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  (727): View more from Florida

  My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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  (727): My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out. http://tfl.nu/gjqc
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

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  (781): please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again. http://tfl.nu/xtmx
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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  (732): I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN. http://tfl.nu/e3sn
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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  (403): Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes. http://tfl.nu/co11
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

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  (609): we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding? http://tfl.nu/9jac
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..

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  (203): Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied.. http://tfl.nu/zapu
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  (904): View more from Florida

  way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  I saved lives by not driving this morning

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  (904): way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy... (1-904): I saved lives by not driving this morning http://tfl.nu/no2s
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

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  (781): I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together. http://tfl.nu/rbls
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

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  (410): he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero http://tfl.nu/dyje
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

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  (561): I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face http://tfl.nu/knsv
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  (845): View more from New York

  i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.

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  (845): i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over. http://tfl.nu/5sx1
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  (714): View more from California

  You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"

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  (714): You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party" http://tfl.nu/cx8m
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face

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  (615): If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face http://tfl.nu/2kqd
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.

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  (785): Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless. http://tfl.nu/9j3y
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

  (708): View more from Illinois

  We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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  (847): Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday? (708): We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us. http://tfl.nu/9z48
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  (936): View more from Texas

  im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...

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  (936): im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses... http://tfl.nu/w5rv
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

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  (703): The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up. http://tfl.nu/ttp7
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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  (847): Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago" http://tfl.nu/h89t
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches

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  (412): I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches http://tfl.nu/0tvi
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

  (614): View more from Ohio

  handstands? WTF?

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  she was a gymnast

  (614): View more from Ohio

   go to hell.

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  (405): I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY (614): handstands? WTF? (405): she was a gymnast (614): go to hell. http://tfl.nu/pyfe
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Well douche your snatch and let's go!

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  (919): Well douche your snatch and let's go! http://tfl.nu/3ukm
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button

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  (708): his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button http://tfl.nu/86ps
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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  (902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted. http://tfl.nu/575h
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  (619): View more from California

  just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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  (619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room http://tfl.nu/3g7q
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Two?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Two.

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  (404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. http://tfl.nu/opzf
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  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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  (617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick. http://tfl.nu/lewu
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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  (843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true http://tfl.nu/y8hf
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.

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  (309): I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking. http://tfl.nu/amrn
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

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  (901): I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week http://tfl.nu/o67r
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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  (508): Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day. http://tfl.nu/pq24
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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  (417): Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"? http://tfl.nu/n06e
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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  (859): did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring http://tfl.nu/dlju
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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  (815): He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already. http://tfl.nu/j86y
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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  (717): well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours (484): andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you http://tfl.nu/ooyd
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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  (636): hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls? http://tfl.nu/dqbw
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  (786): View more from Florida

  You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.

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  (786): You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager. http://tfl.nu/4g1t
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  (772): View more from Florida

  I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"

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  (772): I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up" http://tfl.nu/z0ws
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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  (847): i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink http://tfl.nu/i8us
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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  (207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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  (479): there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express http://tfl.nu/hlsi
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.

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  (610): you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee. http://tfl.nu/x3vo
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate

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  (919): Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate http://tfl.nu/0wu1
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  (818): View more from California

  Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

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  (818): Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob http://tfl.nu/xjl4
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  (509): View more from Washington

  We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.

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  (509): We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade. http://tfl.nu/xjtk
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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  (610): I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral. http://tfl.nu/xbiu
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

  (509): View more from Washington

  You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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  (303): Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it? (509): You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge. http://tfl.nu/hjyd
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I don`t remember Saturday, actually

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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  (604): I don`t remember Saturday, actually (1-604): Its ok, i dont remember 2007 http://tfl.nu/egxh
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.

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  (901): If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week. http://tfl.nu/qgby
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  (619): View more from California

  found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.

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  (619): found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham. http://tfl.nu/ri7m
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  (845): View more from New York

  You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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  (845): You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake. http://tfl.nu/r8rw
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  (206): View more from Washington

  We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

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  (206): We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts. http://tfl.nu/k2p7
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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  (775): I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means. http://tfl.nu/woys
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.

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  (215): If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from. http://tfl.nu/hl9i
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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  (732): I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen http://tfl.nu/5vux
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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  (316): I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back. http://tfl.nu/cqa8
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  (607): View more from New York

  I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.

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  (607): I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked. http://tfl.nu/x6mr
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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  (860): She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit. http://tfl.nu/aa9j
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.

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  (571): I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet. http://tfl.nu/230n
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.

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  (937): talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive. http://tfl.nu/ejtq
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  (406): View more from Montana

  It was just a squirrel

  (253): View more from Washington

  You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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  (406): It was just a squirrel (253): You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar http://tfl.nu/smls
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  (408): View more from California

  Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.

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  (408): Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding. http://tfl.nu/o5ps
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

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  (715): I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk. http://tfl.nu/tfhs
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

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  (317): If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation. http://tfl.nu/ifsj
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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  (505): i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you http://tfl.nu/pwks
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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  (402): You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes. http://tfl.nu/0q3l
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  (714): View more from California

  Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?

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  (714): Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex? http://tfl.nu/9pxt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

  (213): View more from California

  so that means christmas in space?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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  (781): my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop (213): so that means christmas in space? (781): imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi http://tfl.nu/5ssx
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  (650): View more from California

  OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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  (650): OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS. http://tfl.nu/26xz
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  (254): View more from Texas

  his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker

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  (254): his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker http://tfl.nu/f6e1
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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  (703): So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out. (1-703): You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend. http://tfl.nu/y4qo
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  I honestly don't know what to make of that.

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  A ham sandwich would be nice.

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  (423): I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich. (1-423): I honestly don't know what to make of that. (423): A ham sandwich would be nice. http://tfl.nu/fg3s
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  (817): View more from Texas

  At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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  (817): At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children. http://tfl.nu/trxp
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (254): View more from Texas

  just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.

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  (254): just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night. http://tfl.nu/wct2
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?

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  (647): Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public? http://tfl.nu/9yr1
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"

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  (847): i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong" http://tfl.nu/catg
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.

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  (817): Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes. http://tfl.nu/1ozx
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool

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  (304): this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool http://tfl.nu/dl9i
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  (607): View more from New York

  I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.

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  (607): I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them. http://tfl.nu/ng5q
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Odds of those being real?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  One in who gives a fuck

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  (202): Odds of those being real? (614): One in who gives a fuck http://tfl.nu/agkd
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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  (206): I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner http://tfl.nu/6elk
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  and on the seventh day, God created megan fox

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  (306): and on the seventh day, God created megan fox http://tfl.nu/yceo
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Hey it's Austin.

  (254): View more from Texas

  I am not drunk enough for this conversation.

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  (210): Hey it's Austin. (254): I am not drunk enough for this conversation. http://tfl.nu/124v
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

  (334): View more from Alabama

  i do.

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  (256): from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot. (334): i do. http://tfl.nu/nohm
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors

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  (402): I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors http://tfl.nu/ajt6
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  (904): View more from Florida

  im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!

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  (904): im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend! http://tfl.nu/e3rl
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute

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  (214): I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute http://tfl.nu/955u
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.

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  (+44): There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this. http://tfl.nu/9lta
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.

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  (+61): Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches. http://tfl.nu/qgps
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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  (971): I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer. http://tfl.nu/l4im
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  (+86): View more from China

  Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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  (+86): Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported. http://tfl.nu/uoj6
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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  (804): Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses. http://tfl.nu/pr98
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.

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  (207): Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me. http://tfl.nu/7so1
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  (415): View more from California

  Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.

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  (415): Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself. http://tfl.nu/x6rs
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  (254): View more from Texas

  They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call

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  (254): They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call http://tfl.nu/bvwc
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Howd you meet this guy?

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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  (313): Howd you meet this guy? (612): I found him next to my pants on sunday morn. http://tfl.nu/y9t4
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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  (720): Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids http://tfl.nu/b5v5
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

  (478): View more from Georgia

  Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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  (843): I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues. (478): Moment of silence for the loss of that option. http://tfl.nu/jcvy
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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  (816): Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned. http://tfl.nu/ygc3
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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  (701): She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex. http://tfl.nu/crgk
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'd give my left nut to see you

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  don't do that. I like the set

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  (724): I'd give my left nut to see you (609): don't do that. I like the set http://tfl.nu/41nb
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

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  (405): Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you. (1-405): which gay bar do you need a ride home from? http://tfl.nu/2t13
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  Well... I doubt that.

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  (859): I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them. (1-859): Well... I doubt that. http://tfl.nu/5uw1
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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  (860): Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message. http://tfl.nu/jwe9
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."

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  (720): Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open." http://tfl.nu/m5a9
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  (805): View more from California

  In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career

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  (805): In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career http://tfl.nu/rhke
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

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  (205): there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something? http://tfl.nu/tu2y
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever

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  (205): btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever http://tfl.nu/nic9
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  (585): View more from New York

  i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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  (585): i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair? http://tfl.nu/daid
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The Swedes wanted a tensome.

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  (832): The Swedes wanted a tensome. http://tfl.nu/8c8i
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Succeeded.

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  (404): I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life? (503): Succeeded. http://tfl.nu/i020
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  (+26): View more from

  And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.

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  (+26): And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores. http://tfl.nu/l5oq
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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  (803): Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar. http://tfl.nu/zuya
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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  (908): Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral. http://tfl.nu/35ny
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  (727): View more from Florida

  His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.

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  (727): His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there. http://tfl.nu/9vdb
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  bc i get to see you. naked.

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  (203): are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid? (203): bc i get to see you. naked. http://tfl.nu/db7h
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life

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  (847): Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life http://tfl.nu/jn6o
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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  (248): He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of http://tfl.nu/1krw
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.

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  (708): I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex. http://tfl.nu/cwao
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  she used her one phone call to ask me about my day

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  (712): she used her one phone call to ask me about my day http://tfl.nu/55gn
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.

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  (405): I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine. http://tfl.nu/ew02
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.

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  (904): Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up. http://tfl.nu/49qf
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  (310): View more from California

  Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.

  (310): View more from California

  Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.

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  (310): Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her. (310): Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse. http://tfl.nu/0qfy
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.

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  (314): I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people. http://tfl.nu/5ctu
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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  (+44): When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/m7vb
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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  (201): I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad" http://tfl.nu/8w1c
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i would one night stand the shit outta him

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  (443): i would one night stand the shit outta him http://tfl.nu/aljg
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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  (570): Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now http://tfl.nu/j96j
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep

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  (513): He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep http://tfl.nu/uxq8
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  (716): View more from New York

  its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose

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  (716): its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose http://tfl.nu/vf99
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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  (586): You do realize it's a Tuesday, right? (1-586): You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life. http://tfl.nu/em8w
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

  (206): View more from Washington

  ?

  (360): View more from Washington

  he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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  (360): i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man (206): ? (360): he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH! http://tfl.nu/k0fi
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.

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  (904): i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night. http://tfl.nu/xd4f
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  it was a mass text i'm sorry

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?

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  (410): it was a mass text i'm sorry (603): do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text? http://tfl.nu/ja5x
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would

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  (405): i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would http://tfl.nu/ua94
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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  (773): She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win. (1-773): Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married http://tfl.nu/w32w
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  why was he too nerdy?

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  he was a tetris block for halloween

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  (314): why was he too nerdy? (919): he was a tetris block for halloween http://tfl.nu/svcq
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.

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  (313): i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small. http://tfl.nu/i072
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you definitely held a convo with a hobo

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  we have a secret handshake

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  (610): you definitely held a convo with a hobo (1-610): we have a secret handshake http://tfl.nu/i4o5
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  (323): View more from California

  it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway

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  (323): it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway http://tfl.nu/ikbt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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  (303): Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking. http://tfl.nu/3qfc
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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  (256): we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it. http://tfl.nu/bdg5
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.

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  (630): Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for? (1-630): Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun. http://tfl.nu/9dkv
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...

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  (402): Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important... http://tfl.nu/xkl9
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

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  (208): Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf http://tfl.nu/yxjw
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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  (810): I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago. http://tfl.nu/b9vc
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  hot girl, 5 o clock

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  do you know how to read a clock?

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  (630): hot girl, 5 o clock (1-630): do you know how to read a clock? http://tfl.nu/x1wt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!

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  (810): i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck! http://tfl.nu/jvh5
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  (626): View more from California

  Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.

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  (626): Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment. http://tfl.nu/ewer
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?

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  (570): Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow? http://tfl.nu/hfr5
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  (516): View more from New York

  i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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  (516): i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks. http://tfl.nu/yuy7
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  (940): View more from Texas

  going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"

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  (940): going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?" http://tfl.nu/r9ic
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.

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  (318): I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning. http://tfl.nu/5etp
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

  (648): View more from

  Since when is drunk an angle?

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  (319): He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle (648): Since when is drunk an angle? http://tfl.nu/dhcr
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  (619): View more from California

  i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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  (619): i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die http://tfl.nu/4ks9
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...

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  (303): Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time... http://tfl.nu/53f4
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  (954): View more from Florida

  it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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  (954): it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/y5mn
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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  (303): we're about an hour out, how's the weather? (720): cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home. http://tfl.nu/na0o
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.

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  (+44): you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking. http://tfl.nu/0mh2
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

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  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Some one left their pants in the elevator.

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  (617): Some one left their pants in the elevator. http://tfl.nu/4aog
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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  (404): Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs. http://tfl.nu/4a67
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i think the doormans mad at me

  (773): View more from Illinois

  well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...

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  (630): i think the doormans mad at me (773): well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while... http://tfl.nu/017x
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned

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  (330): come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned http://tfl.nu/3008
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  How's work?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Spinning.

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  (508): How's work? (978): Spinning. http://tfl.nu/6xgd
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.

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  (615): She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse. http://tfl.nu/chf5
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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  (630): I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade http://tfl.nu/zmei
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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  (501): we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american" http://tfl.nu/1xh1
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."

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  (870): I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now." http://tfl.nu/2m30
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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  (732): we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know http://tfl.nu/1cmn
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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  (780): He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again. http://tfl.nu/j7t8
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  bloody. ill be home soon.

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  (215): so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know? (267): bloody. ill be home soon. http://tfl.nu/2ypq
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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  (810): GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK. http://tfl.nu/7sxv
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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  (404): We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning. http://tfl.nu/65kx
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away

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  (205): I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away http://tfl.nu/4739
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  and then ....

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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  (215): he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas. (1-215): and then .... (215): he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut. http://tfl.nu/qu6h
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  (516): View more from New York

  They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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  (516): They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were. http://tfl.nu/skxs
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.

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  (775): At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive. http://tfl.nu/xg7u
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

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  (778): Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper. http://tfl.nu/0up7
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nobody is perfect

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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  (816): I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page. (913): Nobody is perfect (816): I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other http://tfl.nu/yd5r
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  (954): View more from Florida

  My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him

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  (954): My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him http://tfl.nu/f43y
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

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  (+49): The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed? http://tfl.nu/pvwt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.

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  (610): I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again. http://tfl.nu/bt9u
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice

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  (313): Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice http://tfl.nu/wuko
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

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  (815): Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again. http://tfl.nu/ev5h
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.

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  (814): the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently. http://tfl.nu/7dnx
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  (516): View more from New York

  That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

  (516): View more from New York

  Do you have to put it that way?

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  (516): That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him. (1-516): yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him. (516): Do you have to put it that way? http://tfl.nu/hbgy
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  (234): View more from Ohio

  If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.

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  (234): If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again. http://tfl.nu/4l5p
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  (530): View more from California

  Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.

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  (530): Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed. http://tfl.nu/8sey
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  What happened to chicks over dicks?

  (1-514): View more from Quebec

  That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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  (514): What happened to chicks over dicks? (1-514): That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks.. http://tfl.nu/nat7
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat

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  (803): If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat http://tfl.nu/80p4
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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  (303): So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door? http://tfl.nu/on5x
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.

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  (678): For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you. http://tfl.nu/2vfg
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.

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  (360): I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true. http://tfl.nu/2syb
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it

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  (908): idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it http://tfl.nu/l3eq
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.

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  (410): I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral. http://tfl.nu/e026
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  (310): View more from California

  The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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  (310): The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit. http://tfl.nu/agun
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  (206): View more from Washington

  It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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  (206): It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to http://tfl.nu/3nm2
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine

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  (704): Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine http://tfl.nu/h0jd
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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  (314): Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos? (217): I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd. http://tfl.nu/vu96
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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  (706): What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame. http://tfl.nu/pbev
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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  (208): Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time http://tfl.nu/nmkk
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  (716): View more from New York

  your facebook page is a work of drunk art.

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  (716): your facebook page is a work of drunk art. http://tfl.nu/2ehc
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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  (412): I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts (1-412): Am I supposed to find that romantic? http://tfl.nu/carb
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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  (660): We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out http://tfl.nu/p80s
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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  (913): When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking. http://tfl.nu/uh2g
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.

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  (412): Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country. http://tfl.nu/04vq
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.

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  (480): this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking. http://tfl.nu/0htm
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?

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  (+44): Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill? http://tfl.nu/844o
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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  (816): He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork. http://tfl.nu/6zkt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

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  (405): Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues. http://tfl.nu/ux3u
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  (315): View more from New York

  I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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  (315): I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night" http://tfl.nu/prxk
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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  (859): I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you. http://tfl.nu/a48g
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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  (307): Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor. http://tfl.nu/j4rc
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.

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  (214): Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree. http://tfl.nu/bwsc
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.

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  (479): I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke. http://tfl.nu/g10c
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.

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  (613): you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun. http://tfl.nu/3wdo
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

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  (254): Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital. http://tfl.nu/9aes
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.

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  (+44): Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here. http://tfl.nu/0a2t
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  (518): View more from New York

  You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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  (518): You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops http://tfl.nu/ldeo
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  (415): View more from California

  I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does

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  (415): I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does http://tfl.nu/67y4
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1

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  (419): So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1 http://tfl.nu/tz8w
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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  (763): Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night. http://tfl.nu/r7p2
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers

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  (252): I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers http://tfl.nu/269f
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday

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  (307): Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday http://tfl.nu/9dt4
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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  (314): I drank myself into bisexuality again. http://tfl.nu/eg45
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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  (505): Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message http://tfl.nu/azaf
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.

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  (403): I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants. http://tfl.nu/wgp8
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.

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  (502): We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears. http://tfl.nu/e7ru
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him

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  (256): There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him http://tfl.nu/3qir
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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  (201): dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla http://tfl.nu/0yq4
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

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  (413): All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet. http://tfl.nu/zopf
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...

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  (403): I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass... http://tfl.nu/21fm
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

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  (702): No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up. http://tfl.nu/ztp2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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  (703): Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day http://tfl.nu/hrk3
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face

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  (609): Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face http://tfl.nu/s45z
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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  (250): you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday". http://tfl.nu/bzic
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

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  (865): just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke. http://tfl.nu/o9qp
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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  (808): you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe http://tfl.nu/mori
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday

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  (313): is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday http://tfl.nu/9ppn
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.

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  (703): There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons. http://tfl.nu/6biv
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  (408): View more from California

  that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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  (408): that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it http://tfl.nu/gsrb
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

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  (608): Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap. http://tfl.nu/9p7s
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.

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  (610): You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift. http://tfl.nu/nll4
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.

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  (240): Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present. http://tfl.nu/qzgl
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  (518): View more from New York

  you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

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  (518): you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was http://tfl.nu/ydfc
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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  (843): She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that. http://tfl.nu/vu87
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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  (269): its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot" http://tfl.nu/fb26
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER

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  (630): Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER http://tfl.nu/i5te
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

  (850): View more from Florida

  They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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  (850): I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok (850): They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good http://tfl.nu/qtm7
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.

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  (985): she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out. http://tfl.nu/kfuw
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.

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  (918): I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending. http://tfl.nu/bckx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson

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  (508): this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson http://tfl.nu/oc0q
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  (916): View more from California

  I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk

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  (916): I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk http://tfl.nu/o3lp
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand

  (816): View more from Missouri

  team rage. no explanation necessary

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  (636): I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand (816): team rage. no explanation necessary http://tfl.nu/mquv
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  (315): View more from New York

  careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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  (315): careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there.... http://tfl.nu/ypb5
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  (559): View more from California

  I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

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  (559): I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing. http://tfl.nu/i8zl
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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  (330): Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry. http://tfl.nu/4osi
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it

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  (412): I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it http://tfl.nu/8y6r
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  That doesn't help me much...

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm right under the moon!

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  (604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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  (410): Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants? http://tfl.nu/24sn
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.

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  (917): He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing. http://tfl.nu/j7tr
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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  (902): i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see.. http://tfl.nu/ubpf
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Salt in an open wound right now.

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  (301): I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job. (704): How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore? (301): Salt in an open wound right now. http://tfl.nu/m9a1
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.

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  (512): I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship. http://tfl.nu/fnhf
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.

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  (405): She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do. http://tfl.nu/bqi8
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

  (1-316): View more from Kansas

  That sounds dangerous

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

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  (316): So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses (1-316): That sounds dangerous (316): Don't worry......were wearing oven mits. http://tfl.nu/woxn
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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  (978): his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave. http://tfl.nu/6huv
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  (315): View more from New York

  i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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  (315): i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over. http://tfl.nu/n0ys
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  (562): View more from California

  Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics

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  (562): Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics http://tfl.nu/ne8m
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.

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  (724): Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over. http://tfl.nu/rd2c
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.

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  (403): They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside. http://tfl.nu/o1u3
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date

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  (812): obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date http://tfl.nu/sjjn
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

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  (732): It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown. http://tfl.nu/wms3
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  (516): View more from New York

  There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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  (516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h
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  (805): View more from California

  I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.

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  (805): I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on. http://tfl.nu/fosj
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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  (954): Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka. http://tfl.nu/l16y
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  (631): View more from New York

  lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

  (1-631): View more from New York

  wow.

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  (631): lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon (1-631): wow. http://tfl.nu/6n98
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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  (724): i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that. http://tfl.nu/tj9k
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  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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  (850): i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once http://tfl.nu/6uuj
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

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  (330): I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face. http://tfl.nu/5edg
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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  (469): I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs. http://tfl.nu/36r0
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  (+06): View more from

  We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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  (+06): We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away. http://tfl.nu/dvn1
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  (585): View more from New York

  Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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  (585): Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there http://tfl.nu/9lof
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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  (973): I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning. http://tfl.nu/dg43
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255

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  (567): i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255 http://tfl.nu/6ybk
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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  (660): Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes. http://tfl.nu/p00s
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  (561): View more from Florida

  he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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  (561): he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him http://tfl.nu/gz84
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?

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  (404): What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender? http://tfl.nu/bcp3
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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  (419): I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion" http://tfl.nu/b5an
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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  (303): there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome http://tfl.nu/x7k0
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.

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  (410): she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night. http://tfl.nu/m7fi
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

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  (816): My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost. http://tfl.nu/27qj
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.

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  (336): Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy. http://tfl.nu/6oi3
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice

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  (931): please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice http://tfl.nu/enb2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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  (703): he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh (1-703): be sure to add "office slut" to your resume http://tfl.nu/3kje
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  (951): View more from California

  Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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  (951): Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries http://tfl.nu/sog5
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working

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  (289): Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working http://tfl.nu/bi46
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.

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  (224): someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming. http://tfl.nu/chjo
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried

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  (815): i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried http://tfl.nu/ujpo
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.

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  (404): Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center. http://tfl.nu/it0q
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  (425): View more from Washington

  all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

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  (425): all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help. http://tfl.nu/bkkn
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent

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  (410): I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent http://tfl.nu/8hat
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

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  (416): Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card... http://tfl.nu/vpen
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  (904): View more from Florida

  she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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  (904): she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room... http://tfl.nu/wehm
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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  (419): two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome http://tfl.nu/ey6z
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.

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  (616): You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races. http://tfl.nu/trt2
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.

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  (620): In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night. http://tfl.nu/xvxy
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  (707): View more from California

  I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already

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  (707): I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already http://tfl.nu/x0ls
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  (805): View more from California

  I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.

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  (805): I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more. http://tfl.nu/p4p6
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  (530): View more from California

  If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...

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  (530): If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good... http://tfl.nu/ucmp
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.

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  (678): Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless. http://tfl.nu/cahf
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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  (765): He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina... http://tfl.nu/78ky
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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  (775): Why is the garage door in the middle of the street? http://tfl.nu/rc41
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  (561): View more from Florida

  No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south

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  (561): No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south http://tfl.nu/5xop
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday

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  (506): just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday http://tfl.nu/uetg
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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  (734): Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable. http://tfl.nu/e8ez
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

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  (517): He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls http://tfl.nu/0ix2
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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  (215): Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost http://tfl.nu/oth1
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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  (704): Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining. http://tfl.nu/owux
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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  (360): Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night. http://tfl.nu/91du
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  & he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'

  (636): View more from Missouri

  HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!

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  (636): & he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut' (636): HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!! http://tfl.nu/1ay1
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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  (519): Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical. http://tfl.nu/sqyk
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....

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  (708): You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark.... http://tfl.nu/9a89
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  (707): View more from California

  I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

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  (707): I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child. http://tfl.nu/d3n6
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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  (978): Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room http://tfl.nu/x49g
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.

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  (505): judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too. http://tfl.nu/lecl
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.

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  (401): I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails. http://tfl.nu/8vyo
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  (845): View more from New York

  What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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  (845): What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know http://tfl.nu/y6wb
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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  (215): Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet http://tfl.nu/qzss
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming

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  (434): do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming http://tfl.nu/c7ht
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  (516): View more from New York

  making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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  (516): making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage" http://tfl.nu/jy1p
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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  (919): Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride. http://tfl.nu/6akp
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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  (609): Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided http://tfl.nu/mbmq
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.

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  (614): I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision. http://tfl.nu/xp34
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers

  (440): View more from Ohio

  its only a rough draft.

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  (513): thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers (440): its only a rough draft. http://tfl.nu/pfud
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  (954): View more from Florida

  We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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  (954): We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers. http://tfl.nu/9jml
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  He was spoon feeding me wine all night.

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  (819): He was spoon feeding me wine all night. http://tfl.nu/fggg
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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  (301): He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him. http://tfl.nu/18rr
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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  (785): I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call. http://tfl.nu/1vmr
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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  (+44): just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown. (+44): before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN http://tfl.nu/72q0
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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  (706): They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods http://tfl.nu/a68f
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  (585): View more from New York

  I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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  (585): I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet. http://tfl.nu/fy09
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...

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  (540): I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant... http://tfl.nu/4jrj
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  (650): View more from California

  Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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  (650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day) http://tfl.nu/fh88
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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  (704): Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo http://tfl.nu/ot2w
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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  (706): I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song. (1-706): I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina. http://tfl.nu/b2qf
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.

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  (810): woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag. http://tfl.nu/ubfv
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  (661): View more from California

  Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.

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  (661): Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up. http://tfl.nu/ev42
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.

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  (780): Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero. http://tfl.nu/3vt3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

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  (203): I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night? http://tfl.nu/u6ad
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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  (630): You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell.. http://tfl.nu/hsjq
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

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  (412): I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God. http://tfl.nu/yxgi
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  (510): View more from California

  He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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  (510): He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again. http://tfl.nu/1fxb
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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  (205): you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!! http://tfl.nu/1wys
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

  (260): View more from Indiana

  He probs deserved it.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Every good man does.

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  (317): I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell. (260): He probs deserved it. (317): Every good man does. http://tfl.nu/4ma5
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  ..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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  (847): ..i think i can hear you losing your virginity http://tfl.nu/nv6r
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  (925): View more from California

  While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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  (925): While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me." http://tfl.nu/vnft
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.

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  (732): a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart. http://tfl.nu/8pw6
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?

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  (802): Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase? http://tfl.nu/m4dc
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

  (1405): View more from

  I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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  (405): If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie. (1405): I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes? http://tfl.nu/u9sc
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.

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  (218): I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted. http://tfl.nu/x30k
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?

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  (813): I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins? http://tfl.nu/vjtk
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame

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  (410): i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame http://tfl.nu/8cpc
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..

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  (503): I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus.. http://tfl.nu/6jqk
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no

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  (678): Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no http://tfl.nu/k1du
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

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  (740): you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking http://tfl.nu/ha4q
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  (867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

  lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it

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  (867): lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it http://tfl.nu/o5td
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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  (404): Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore. http://tfl.nu/eu8g
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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  (+61): She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/h0jn
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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  (303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever http://tfl.nu/gvxq
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....

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  (256): Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea.... http://tfl.nu/8lgf
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful

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  (410): We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful http://tfl.nu/jdk0
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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  (613): You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one http://tfl.nu/l60l
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The panties match.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I'll be right there.

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  (847): The panties match. (1-847): I'll be right there. http://tfl.nu/jbhz
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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  (270): Don't worry. I has chaperone. http://tfl.nu/r0c5
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.

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  (256): I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/il3b
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

  (703): View more from Virginia

  just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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  (540): my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged (703): just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit http://tfl.nu/pac5
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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  (405): You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up. http://tfl.nu/06n7
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook

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  (847): Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook http://tfl.nu/zrse
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?

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  (239): Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls? http://tfl.nu/pmwm
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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  (705): i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding. http://tfl.nu/t3vj
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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  (908): where's my purse there's an important taco in it http://tfl.nu/d9zq
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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  (724): You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame. http://tfl.nu/zyq0
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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  (815): New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink. http://tfl.nu/5ry5
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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  (203): She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was http://tfl.nu/dgtk
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now

  (310): View more from California

  Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...

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  (520): His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now (310): Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok... http://tfl.nu/uoe6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  our generation is not ready to get married

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  (314): Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"? (636): our generation is not ready to get married http://tfl.nu/klk9
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  (850): View more from Florida

  how was your day?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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  (850): how was your day? (404): fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i? http://tfl.nu/0urf
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  (845): View more from New York

  They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.

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  (845): They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory. http://tfl.nu/jr9q
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.

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  (862): I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word. http://tfl.nu/hy59
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  He wasn't the only one with a full load.

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  (508): He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket... (1-508): He wasn't the only one with a full load. http://tfl.nu/y8kb
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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  (603): hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1... http://tfl.nu/ehgf
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Thats like the definition of a good friend

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  (224): You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me. (630): Thats like the definition of a good friend http://tfl.nu/1tf7
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  (727): View more from Florida

  These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.

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  (727): These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular. http://tfl.nu/78s0
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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  (508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes" http://tfl.nu/1j0f
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I swear to god he's a one man village people.

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  (503): I swear to god he's a one man village people. http://tfl.nu/tro1
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  (518): View more from New York

  I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.

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  (518): I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred. http://tfl.nu/3k1m
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  I don't want it.

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  (609): IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU (1-609): I don't want it. http://tfl.nu/jvul
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  (914): View more from New York

  i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"

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  (914): i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!" http://tfl.nu/2ify
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  (718): View more from New York

  3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight

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  (718): 3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight http://tfl.nu/iyeq
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  So glad I found your sister.

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  (240): There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find. (443): So glad I found your sister. http://tfl.nu/p3yp
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  u downloaded tardy 4 the party

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record

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  (864): u downloaded tardy 4 the party (864): then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record http://tfl.nu/h7n2
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Yah man, that place is surreal

  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?

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  (801): Yah man, that place is surreal (731): Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal? http://tfl.nu/sga3
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
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  (786): View more from Florida

  I miss vodka workout Fridays

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  (786): I miss vodka workout Fridays http://tfl.nu/gp5l
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  (607): View more from New York

  Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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  (607): Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high http://tfl.nu/24mk
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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  (573): Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you http://tfl.nu/8e5m
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.

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  (804): I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either. http://tfl.nu/j4vn
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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  (832): He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point. http://tfl.nu/zypj
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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  (519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (858): View more from California

  i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..

  (720): View more from Colorado

  yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures

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  (858): i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume.. (720): yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures http://tfl.nu/ebwm
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  this medicine is soooo good.

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  (865): i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone. (865): the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now" (865): this medicine is soooo good. http://tfl.nu/gt3j
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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  (443): I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly http://tfl.nu/9fzw
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  (214): View more from Texas

  So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

  (713): View more from Texas

  Sounds better than last semester

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  (214): So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far (713): Sounds better than last semester http://tfl.nu/9h5w
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  (310): View more from California

  Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb

  (209): View more from California

  it's ELEVEN

  (310): View more from California

  thirty

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  (310): Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb (209): it's ELEVEN (310): thirty http://tfl.nu/ukrj
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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  (785): I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well. http://tfl.nu/l51l
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  no pressure.

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  (856): he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him. (215): no pressure. http://tfl.nu/wyu7
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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  (586): he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/s6ky
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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  (215): Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything. http://tfl.nu/hi5p
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  (253): View more from Washington

  so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

  (253): View more from Washington

  no more ever clear

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  (253): so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning (1-253): because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha' (253): no more ever clear http://tfl.nu/f9lp
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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  (978): The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous http://tfl.nu/iens
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  :)

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Wipe that smile off your face.

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  (410): :) (443): Wipe that smile off your face. http://tfl.nu/iqow
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  (631): View more from New York

  New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.

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  (631): New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled. http://tfl.nu/1807
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.

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  (480): I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is. http://tfl.nu/0bg6
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  We using my standards or yours?

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  (301): Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad? (443): We using my standards or yours? http://tfl.nu/agac
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  fuckk wrong person

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  .. who was that for? a girlscout?

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  (860): I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent (860): fuckk wrong person (1-860):.. who was that for? a girlscout? http://tfl.nu/6peq
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it

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  (215): i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it http://tfl.nu/rarj
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  (253): View more from Washington

  DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

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  (253): DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge? http://tfl.nu/bwm6
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy

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  (608): the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy <3's balls" is written in sharpie across my forehead http://tfl.nu/cffy
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Hookers taste better with whip cream

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too

  (417): View more from Missouri

  Fair enough

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  (417): Hookers taste better with whip cream (816): Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too (417): Fair enough http://tfl.nu/svnz
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  (281): View more from Texas

  After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.

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  (281): After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses. http://tfl.nu/xdpj
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.

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  (262): We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college. http://tfl.nu/yagx
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked

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  (412): We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked http://tfl.nu/s4j7
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.

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  (732): four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day. http://tfl.nu/q3s7
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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  (801): Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon. http://tfl.nu/ouiw
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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  (402): He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him. http://tfl.nu/b1lr
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

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  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this

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  (303): I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this http://tfl.nu/m1v9
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.

  (1-606): View more from Kentucky

  Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.

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  (606): I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me. (1-606): Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons. http://tfl.nu/drp9
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  cat food counts as protein by the way

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  (709): cat food counts as protein by the way http://tfl.nu/k5gc
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...

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  (970): I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house... http://tfl.nu/qa28
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  The police scanner is talking about you again....

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  (712): The police scanner is talking about you again.... http://tfl.nu/f6sk
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She acts like you when your on meds

  (510): View more from California

  She acts like batman?

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  (616): She acts like you when your on meds (510): She acts like batman? http://tfl.nu/zvs9
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  (512): View more from Texas

  The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Yes. For all mankind please do.

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  (512): The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her? (319): Yes. For all mankind please do. http://tfl.nu/4jly
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina

  (804): View more from Virginia

  not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote

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  (401): she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina (804): not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote http://tfl.nu/mq8t
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  (214): View more from Texas

  does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

  (817): View more from Texas

  dude, everything can mix, this is college.

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  (214): does wine, beer, and vodka mix well?? (817): dude, everything can mix, this is college. http://tfl.nu/mqi0
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  (941): View more from Florida

  thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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  (941): thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. http://tfl.nu/xw0x
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.

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  (304): I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later. http://tfl.nu/jthu
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.

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  (248): i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding. http://tfl.nu/2d2l
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  (760): View more from California

  My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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  (760): My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this? http://tfl.nu/9ow4
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now

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  (248): I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now http://tfl.nu/d0ke
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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  (303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it

  (987): View more from

  im ashamed your my cousin

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  (520): he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it (987): im ashamed your my cousin http://tfl.nu/oj53
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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  (704 ): I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is http://tfl.nu/z1kt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  one word: firstdatebathroomanal

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  (404): one word: firstdatebathroomanal http://tfl.nu/h4q1
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"

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  (443): they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field" http://tfl.nu/je3y
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  She didnt have a camera...

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  (215): haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera (908): She didnt have a camera... http://tfl.nu/89kt
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  (585): View more from New York

  You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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  (585): You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you. http://tfl.nu/pv3c
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

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  (971): the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together? http://tfl.nu/xjvt
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you

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  (506): cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you http://tfl.nu/iu0p
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?

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  (847): how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan? http://tfl.nu/u97s
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Walk of Shame time yet?

  (1+44): View more from

  Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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  (+44): Walk of Shame time yet? (1+44): Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling? http://tfl.nu/qcn9
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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  (636): So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned. http://tfl.nu/elt7
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore

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  (702): I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore http://tfl.nu/l7gt
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  (707): View more from California

  You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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  (707): You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant. http://tfl.nu/2b7s
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  the part where you beat me to him

  (410): View more from Maryland

  fair enough.

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  (410): what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?! (1-410): the part where you beat me to him (410): fair enough. http://tfl.nu/4y3l
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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  (405): i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk? http://tfl.nu/idqr
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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  (917): you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar http://tfl.nu/kodl
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

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  (615): But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume... http://tfl.nu/x6iy
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  (925): View more from California

  I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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  (925): I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't http://tfl.nu/i8hu
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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  (301): The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football" http://tfl.nu/o0mi
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

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  (703): relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks http://tfl.nu/2hg2
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  (407): View more from Florida

  She even gives head with a lisp.

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  (407): She even gives head with a lisp. http://tfl.nu/76cl
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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  (859): I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes! (1-859): please elaborate on, "atleast one ear" http://tfl.nu/8j2w
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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  (432): Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat" http://tfl.nu/ofhr
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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  (303): I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM. http://tfl.nu/5j68
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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  (412): You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy? http://tfl.nu/p3a3
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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  (636): The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.' http://tfl.nu/hueh
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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  (856): there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread. http://tfl.nu/6f5w
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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  (617): When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner. http://tfl.nu/g7ai
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  (510): View more from California

  I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms

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  (510): I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms http://tfl.nu/txtg
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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  (440): As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season. http://tfl.nu/uyun
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber

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  (540): there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber http://tfl.nu/88lc
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  (679): View more from Michigan

  You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

  (679): View more from Michigan

  You really are best friends.

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  (679): You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road. (679): You really are best friends. http://tfl.nu/zi1s
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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  (314): You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out... http://tfl.nu/a1pv
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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  (412): Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes." http://tfl.nu/8fia
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  (914): View more from New York

  So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.

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  (914): So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great. http://tfl.nu/w708
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  (585): View more from New York

  just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.

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  (585): just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse. http://tfl.nu/g20v
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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  (609): You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke. http://tfl.nu/1rx3
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon

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  (513): The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon http://tfl.nu/vuj3
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  (214): View more from Texas

  a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"

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  (214): a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate" http://tfl.nu/0wuw
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions

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  (757): Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions http://tfl.nu/0uvp
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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  (256): It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.. http://tfl.nu/zyk4
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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  (402): Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma http://tfl.nu/lc92
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (302): I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/y6ds
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  (607): View more from New York

  We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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  (607): We can grow old together and our livers can fail together http://tfl.nu/ku07
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

  (410): View more from Maryland

  so basically your not goin out tonight?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  who said that?

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  (301): dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow (410): so basically your not goin out tonight? (301): who said that? http://tfl.nu/qimw
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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  (321): I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised... http://tfl.nu/krhx
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

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  (206): Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night. http://tfl.nu/zl6t
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  "people in the room" being me.

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  (336): the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine. (336): "people in the room" being me. http://tfl.nu/hpsj
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.

  (1-501): View more from Arkansas

  bonus

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  (501): So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked. (1-501): bonus http://tfl.nu/029j
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

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  (410): i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes http://tfl.nu/11ee
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..

  (1-318): View more from Louisiana

  what?how do you know?

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.

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  (318): i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday.. (1-318): what?how do you know? (318): it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet. http://tfl.nu/gg1h
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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  (401): she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch! (508): because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking. http://tfl.nu/qlq5
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  (415): View more from California

  apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

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  (415): apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window http://tfl.nu/1uz3
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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  (252): Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me. http://tfl.nu/r53x
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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  (215): thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins http://tfl.nu/qdth
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

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  (519): I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position" http://tfl.nu/0g0v
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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  (503): Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general. http://tfl.nu/8yi1
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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  (724): I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo. http://tfl.nu/korz
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.

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  (330): Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like. http://tfl.nu/uplz
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  (207): View more from Maine

  You said your dick dragged you up the stairs

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  (207): You said your dick dragged you up the stairs http://tfl.nu/g6yn
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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  (609): it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores http://tfl.nu/lmvr
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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  (202): I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her. http://tfl.nu/d96s
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  how could i say no?

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  (513): wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka? (1-513): how could i say no? http://tfl.nu/1o9r
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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  (512): Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky. http://tfl.nu/on0b
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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  (806): I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned. http://tfl.nu/pksd
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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  (240): He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half? http://tfl.nu/4690
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  (817): View more from Texas

  she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.

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  (817): she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it. http://tfl.nu/rt8c
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  (315): View more from New York

  It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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  (315): It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!" http://tfl.nu/cmoy
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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  (603): Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college. http://tfl.nu/nve2
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  (207): View more from Maine

  we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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  (207): we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet? http://tfl.nu/uydl
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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  (865): She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit". http://tfl.nu/1ezf
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.

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  (613): I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line. http://tfl.nu/g6vr
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.

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  (757): Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated. http://tfl.nu/8q5f
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Not even marginally surprised

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  (765): He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family (812): Not even marginally surprised http://tfl.nu/oyoq
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.

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  (704): The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe. http://tfl.nu/8oi8
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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  (412): Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me. http://tfl.nu/z6ig
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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  (814): he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth.. http://tfl.nu/cpmo
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  I met the friendliest cop last night

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  (641): I met the friendliest cop last night http://tfl.nu/2xxe
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...

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  (610): just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating... http://tfl.nu/t9b4
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  (360): View more from Washington

  would you consider him our boss?

  (503): View more from Oregon

  technically yes

  (360): View more from Washington

  then technically i slept with our boss

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  (360): would you consider him our boss? (503): technically yes (360): then technically i slept with our boss http://tfl.nu/5m3t
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm like cupid

  (1-818): View more from California

  You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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  (818): I'm like cupid (1-818): You're a whore with a bow and arrow http://tfl.nu/a0h0
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.

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  (210): I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy. http://tfl.nu/uz12
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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  (717): Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think. http://tfl.nu/f6ax
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.

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  (201): It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling. http://tfl.nu/90ol
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  (310): View more from California

  Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.

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  (310): Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary. http://tfl.nu/o8eq
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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  (443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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  (706): This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules. http://tfl.nu/2gj5
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs

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  (618): You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs http://tfl.nu/0h2n
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  (850): View more from Florida

  my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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  (850): my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster. http://tfl.nu/974x
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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  (229): He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him. http://tfl.nu/c2pz
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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  (270): There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time http://tfl.nu/e9de
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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  (724): And to think..we used to do everything sober... http://tfl.nu/tbey
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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  (973): They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it. http://tfl.nu/8sm7
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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  (832): We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College." http://tfl.nu/3hlg
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm half single.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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  (617): I'm half single. (773): Please tell me it's the bottom half. http://tfl.nu/3fsx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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  (508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water http://tfl.nu/opqy
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  (805): View more from California

  I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.

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  (805): I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait. http://tfl.nu/wg99
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  (516): View more from New York

  i have one question about last night

  (646): View more from New York

  if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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  (516): i have one question about last night (646): if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain http://tfl.nu/69sr
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

  (313): View more from Michigan

  He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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  (313): I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot (313): He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all http://tfl.nu/6st3
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  youre welcome

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  (201): at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.." (1-201): youre welcome http://tfl.nu/sjha
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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  (908): It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?! http://tfl.nu/h7d0
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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  (253): Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about http://tfl.nu/o03a
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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  (913): It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason... http://tfl.nu/n9s7
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  Well it worked

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Not the point

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  (330): The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind (1-330): Well it worked (330): Not the point http://tfl.nu/mxs7
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.

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  (503): I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight. http://tfl.nu/6osy
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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  (570): I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around. (1-570): It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am. http://tfl.nu/ckp3
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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  (304): yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at. http://tfl.nu/ro5c
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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  (413): I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job http://tfl.nu/ruqn
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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  (515): I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson" http://tfl.nu/itij
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...

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  (612): he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it... http://tfl.nu/39p0
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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  (732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year http://tfl.nu/jq5i
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  (914): View more from New York

  Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

  (914): View more from New York

  Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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  (914): Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem (914): Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty. http://tfl.nu/8j05
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.

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  (865): If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport. http://tfl.nu/vfi8
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
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  (631): View more from New York

  This beer is not sobering me up at all

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  (631): This beer is not sobering me up at all http://tfl.nu/2fz8
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  (845): View more from New York

  beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween

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  (845): beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween http://tfl.nu/oes5
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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  (617): Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night http://tfl.nu/jx5s
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics

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  (662): I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics http://tfl.nu/lc06
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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  (508): Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after http://tfl.nu/akdp
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
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  (607): View more from New York

  whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?

  (1-607): View more from New York

  King Triton

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  (607): whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to? (1-607) King Triton http://tfl.nu/vy7a
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death

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  (563): I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death http://tfl.nu/f03y
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  (214): View more from Texas

  your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  we're not divorced.

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  (214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything. (1-214): we're not divorced. http://tfl.nu/1yaa
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  (755): View more from

  How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?

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  (755): How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad? http://tfl.nu/39qf
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  (323): View more from California

  You know you want to come over later

  (1-323): View more from California

  1:27a: Um no

  (1-323): View more from California

  1:45a: Maybe

  (1-323): View more from California

  2:05a: Probably

  (1-323): View more from California

  2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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  (323): You know you want to come over later (1-323) 1:27a: Um no (1-323) 1:45a: Maybe (1-323) 2:05a: Probably (1-323) 2:38a: I'm outside, let me in http://tfl.nu/aay3
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

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  (519): Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me. http://tfl.nu/7rdg
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  (310): View more from California

  Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho

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  (310): Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho http://tfl.nu/chvf
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  What?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I have a yeast infection.

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  (314): I'm bakin' bread in my pussy! (1-314): What? (314): I have a yeast infection. http://tfl.nu/o2ns
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.

  (972): View more from Texas

  I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.

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  (214): I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had. (972): I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes. http://tfl.nu/y4qf
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  (214): View more from Texas

  bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.

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  (214): bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink. http://tfl.nu/4c2j
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I like you better when you drink

  (708): View more from Illinois

  I like you better when I drink too

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  (630): I like you better when you drink (708): I like you better when I drink too http://tfl.nu/cvjp
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.

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  (330): I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes. http://tfl.nu/ahu2
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  fireball beer pong. youre missing out

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  how is that even possible?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  ove gloves.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  be there in ten.

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  (908): fireball beer pong. youre missing out (732): how is that even possible? (908): ove gloves. (732): be there in ten. http://tfl.nu/dpvx
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.

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  (902): Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight. http://tfl.nu/0w7l
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  My brain says no but my pants say off.

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  (902): My brain says no but my pants say off. http://tfl.nu/syce
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?

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  (210): Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head? http://tfl.nu/lmud
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.

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  (505): He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself. http://tfl.nu/msa0
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  (352): View more from Florida

  my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.

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  (352): my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better. http://tfl.nu/j6r0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.

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  (617): I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot. http://tfl.nu/tunm
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.

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  (704): you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you. http://tfl.nu/wl2h
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell

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  (615): jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell http://tfl.nu/zqhf
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  so no drinking for you?

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  don't be silly

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  (615): small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party (423): so no drinking for you? (615): don't be silly http://tfl.nu/xiol
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  (253): View more from Washington

  You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!

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  (253): You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!! http://tfl.nu/4k8v
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Update, blind date is cute and fun.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Scratch that, blind date just threw up.

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  (248): Update, blind date is cute and fun. (248): Scratch that, blind date just threw up. http://tfl.nu/ooba
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  (254): View more from Texas

  my sisters under your porch take her home

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  (254): my sisters under your porch take her home http://tfl.nu/rfs3
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

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  (903): Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later. http://tfl.nu/bq2x
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."

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  (586): I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope." http://tfl.nu/2m2o
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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  (203): Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester. http://tfl.nu/4eoz
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...

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  (204): When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends? (1-204): When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why? (204): I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well... http://tfl.nu/o1jd
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  (716): View more from New York

  she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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  (716): she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you" http://tfl.nu/sv8k
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

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  (816): we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome http://tfl.nu/vmah
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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