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I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You're like the curious george of whores
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just googled if crying burns calories
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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