did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
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