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Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
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