Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
That accounts for only three of the penises
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You can't special order awesome
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Favorite