We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't deserve a penis
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
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