I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
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I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't deserve a penis
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
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