My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's blow job season.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Loading more great texts...