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You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So much rum. So many feels.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Houston, we have a blender
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
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