How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
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